Despicably Yours #9 “When you run from, you also run to”

I’ve made my choice. And I’m seeing now that with any of the choices I could have made I will come off as a hypocrite. This choice is where I put my faith. What I believe in. Well, if you read this blog at all you know my feelings on religion. So you know my faith isn’t in a deity. So where is it? I have to put it somewhere, so where? I guess I would have to say it’s put in facts, in facts that are produced by people, people that should not be trusted, the financial system, America’s justice system, and politics. I study finance and have a great interest in learning as much as I can about it and the economy. One could call it my religion. With the way numbers change in finance, along with the laws in finance, and the rules of economics. You could easily say that the same flaws one finds in religion, are in finance, economy, laws, and politics. But I supposed everything is questionable if you at it deeply enough.

So, like I said before, I have made my choice. But I would be lying if I told you that after I saw the great inconsistencies of this matrix that is business, finance, justice system, and politics that I didn’t think about quitting school and hiding under my personal depression bridge and becoming a troll once more. If you noticed, I use the word ‘politics’, not ‘government’ because that’s what it seems to be to me. I’m a coming of age adult. Some would say I am an of age adult. But to avoid making this too much about my circumstances, I’ll just say I spent 6 years under a bridge. And I’ve spent the last 3 years trying to put the pieces together for myself. But it is difficult. Not regular difficult as in just putting one foot in from of the other and stepping toward my own goals. I can overcome that. What’s very difficult, and disheartening is watching the politics control this world in which I attempt to get my footing, and become an upstanding citizen of America, of this world. If I find myself caught up in myself, my own struggles, I can even feel myself taking these things the politics/government does personally, but in a ‘we the people’ sort of way. The way outraged so called revolutionaries feel, but I don’t care to grab a microphone and yell at people, I’ll just type….calmly.

I often wondered in the past, and even to this day, does voting really matter, does it make a difference? When I consider how much money is dumped into political races it leaves me to really wonder. When I look at how voting has been made to be more difficult to do in some areas on the country, it leaves me to wonder. When I finally decide to vote for a candidate and they either don’t deliver on their promises or are blocked from putting forth their efforts, it does make me wonder. I’m really not the type to believe in things, ideals and whatnot. So a big speech about voting being right, a lecture about what people went through in the Civil Rights Era for me to get the right to vote, a guilt trip showing me people lynched from trees, and anything else you have to show me about how important voting seems wouldn’t due if you’re trying to convince that voting has meaning. I’m not completely convinced either way to be honest.

Sometimes I wonder if I participated in the political process by writing to my state reps would it do anything. I’d like to buy into the system and believe that these people represent me in Washington, I really would, but I don’t. Skepticism helps, but it’s an annoyance. But politicians are not trustworthy. I won’t go into detail about how and why they just are. They should have reputations worse than that of entertainers, like child-stars that have developed deviant sexual behavior and secret drug addictions. So I’ve been asking myself should I write a rep for the past few months. I still debate it, stepping into and fully believing in a system I was taught to believe in, but grew suspicious of. If I wrote one of these people voted in office what would I write? Complain about my own struggle with entering the workforce? Or do I send them a plan, or inform them of things they could do…or attempt to do. A friendly suggestion in which I could receive some sort of confirmation that ‘politics’ and ‘government’ really represents the people, and hears the people instead of herds the people. Good faith.

All I really want is good faith from the choice that I’ve made. I’ve chosen to stick with finance and economics. The time I made that choice, in hindsight, I guess I was running away from religion. Running away from all that has to do with faith and being unsure, chances. But I thought about the Fed. I thought about inflation, deflation and the printing of money. I thought about the dollar. And I was reminded that it says “In God We Trust” So I guess I worship money. Money that’s controlled, manipulated and spent by the people I have little or no faith in. Money that at any given moment could be worth less than the ‘paper’ it’s printed on. So in all actuality I haven’t run away from religion at all….I just ran into a more obvious one.

 

Bussokusekika #2

When I think of you

I think of many horrors

For some they’re pleasures

Their reality T.V.

Their imaginary friends

The fact that it’s forced on us

Despicably Yours # 7 (A sincere venting) QUE THE VIOLINS

For the past few weeks I’ve been wondering what the next topic for Despicably Yours would be. I sat and pondered how I felt about politics and government: Declined. The state of society: Declined again. And there was a number of other subjects I could have went into my own thoughts on. But instead I’m going to get some things off of my chest. I’m going to attempt to vent why this year had to have been among the worst in my life, if not the worst, period. I’m thinking that as you read this (if anyone is reading this) that you are a relatively positive person. I do not think it is a bad thing at all. At least the creator of Epitaph and The Most Despicable Man doesn’t think so. And there are so many things you can tell a person that has had a bad time, little clichés,idioms, references to books, religious texts, and whatnot. And I have to tell you that some of that stuff comes off as a slap or spit in the face. My favorite one to hate is that ‘we choose to suffer’. I’d have to say that if you told me that I was choosing to suffer, to experience the things I have during this time period I would seriously consider physically harming you.

But Anyway……..

The first notable fiasco began when my family and I were notified that people we rented from were in foreclosure over taxes. We packed up and waited til the very last second to move. So we lost a few things. Nothing too major though.

BUT WAIT, SHOULDN’T THE FOCUS BE ON HUMANS WELL BEING???

OF COURSE, BITCH! Let me finish!

Since the move we made, which was in early February, was very last minute and unorganized we were basically homeless with a few dollars to stay in a hotel. Now you’re probably thinking “That’s not too bad.” Right? Well, you would be right to a degree. I was warm, had access to cable, the internet for my schooling, and a small gym. What was there to worry about? The duration of the stay when you consider that no one was employed at the time. So after the first week we became beggars. Dad did it, Mom did it, I almost did it. I can’t speak for the whole family, but in my experience with that was knowing who was who. Who’s friendly, who’s forgetful, who allies are, and where people stand with you when you’re in a bad predicament. It was very much a learning experience. Outside of  gut checks to the pride and being fearful some days that I would literally be on the street with nowhere to go, nothing happened we were barely able to stay in the hotel for a month before we all get into a small house. What I THOUGHT was a lucky break!

This house had/ has its pros and cons. Mainly for me I have a place of solitude, which was missing from when I was at the hotel. On the other hand there were insects everywhere, we didn’t have beds, and eventually there was sewage problems. But back to the cons….. $600 a month in this house VS $110 a night at the hotel. But……back to the cons, it gets frigid in here and when people want the heat up while the sewage is backed up it smells horrid. The sewage from the basement here backs up twice. That’s minor though.

Let’s get into some Real bullshit!!

Fast forward to May of this year. A family member starts acting wacky as hell. Normally, I know I would call it out, that the behavior they were displaying was that of someone drugged out. I didn’t because of my relationship with them. I know they were under stress, because I was under the same stress with them. So since this person is my (oh, come on and say it already!!) Mom I could bring myself to acknowledge that she was on drugs. It hit everyone in the face hard as hell the day my dad found her overdosed in the bathroom. Passed out on the door, so we couldn’t get to her. So in calling 911, the E.M.T.’s came and handled everything. Kind of forced me to look at what was really going on. It was heroin all over the bathroom sink. She had been tooting it for only four days prior. Stress sure is something. I nearly lost my mom (She’s ok, by the way). In reflecting on this major event I can still see it all happen in my blinks. I see my failed attempts at opening the bathroom door. I can still remember forgetting my addressing temporarily when asked when I dialed 911. The E.M.T’s taking their axe to the bathroom, and reviving my mom. And the vivid aftermath at the hospital WOW! But I’ll spare the details. For mostly my own sake.

Fast forward a few more months, from actions made in September my brother and I can only assume that our older sister has disowned us.(Sister Act, Whoopi!!!) We got blocked from off of facebook so it had to be serious, right? I was questioning my sanity for a little while concerning how rejected I should be with the mindset of ‘it’s only facebook’ but in my attempts to text her through the phone I got no response. And I’m not Despicable with her. So I can’t say what prompted this action. I can only speculate. And of course til I get a straight answer I’m going to blame religion, because that’s her bag. So if it seems like I’ve been extra harsh on religion this year, maybe you can blame this incident.

Now, I’ve skipped over some details on purpose. I didn’t listing every single thing that got on my nerves of impacted me. (But come on, son, didn’t SOMETHING good happen??) Well, my brother graduated high school, and I earned my Associates Degree, and I finally drew in some job interviews NO QUALITY JOBS!! JUST A SECOND AT A CAR WASH WHERE I EARNED 8 BUCKS!! EIGHT FUCKING DOLLARS!! So yeah I quit! So yeah, I found myself in a good groove for a while. And then I found myself in full circle.

Full circle means I’m back into a position where I don’t know where I’ll go or where I’ll live in a few months. Since moving in this house the owner has made no repairs other than the two times the sewage backed up in the basement. Then we find out this home is in foreclose. MOTHERFUCKER!! And that was the thing that made me buckle. Another deadbeat homeowner in the city of Detroit.  With that said this has been a horrible fucking year for me. Others may have had an even worse year than mine, but this is mine, on my blog so go fuck yourself if you want me to compare my situation with someone else. So you can nix the violin music you probably have playing in the background in your mind I’m done venting…Talking about my problems to perfect strangers.

Despicably Yours

L.R.G.

Excuse Me…

Excuse me while I praise white Jesus

Pull your master’s card with this American Expression

That’ll block your visas

Can’t take much else but tides

To the bank from your temples

How could something so complicated

Make the masses so simple?

But send sniper for the shepherds

And the sheep may scatter

In the stampede over the gate

And order would cease to matter

Part a red sea, part blood

For basic faith

Face opposition and

Slap a face to save face

A bird with no flock

A wolf allergic to wool

I’m a joy at funerals

A matador that take no bull

Held hands release

Contacts cease

War is favored over peace

Nosy neighbors don’t pay your rent

But can’t take your life’s lease

Excuse me while I praise White Jesus

And get caught up in the rapture

Of the churches luster

Catch the Holy Ghost

Like I was a Ghost Buster

Tanka 16

The grass is now mowed

I doubt that makes a difference

It’s always something

Males should not behave this way

Being bitchy is for dames

Moniker Talk #3

Voting, I won’t tell you who to vote for, or how to vote, or even to vote at all. I don’t give a shit. Stay home if you wish, but the urging of a certain type of person has bothered me for the past 2 elections. I did not vote in the last election, chalk that up to laziness. Ok, but now. I am. Not because I think it’ll change anything, but to just have it under my belt. There is a part of me that thinks it is all bullshit, and George Carlin was on to something when he said he’d have more results in his hands jacking off than voting. Not completely in agreement, but I can dig it though.

This point leads me to another,  being black kind of sucks when it comes time to vote. On every single election, I hear that every single election is important, I’ll see posts of slaves brandishing their whip marks on their bodies in pictures that read something like ” Vote. Because they couldn’t” and I can’t forget to mention the countless posts that not only suggest that you vote, but they demand that I “Get my black ass out and vote!” lol

See, I have my individual thoughts, and I have my black guy thoughts. My black guy thoughts are making me vote this time around, echoing sentiments in my head about earned Rights and the struggles people have went though in the past and all that other crap older black generations like to not only teach to younger blacks, but sort of use as a guilt trip over them, but that’s not my subject. On to my individual thoughts that say, its all bullshit. Romney is shit, Obama is shit, and no matter the results of the election there will not be a drastic enough of a change for anyone to really notice.

I don’t mean to down democracy, but when you vote. Shut the fuck up about it.

Despicably Yours,

L.G./E.C.

Black Glasses 1st Glance

Behind black glasses
I’ve stared into hells fire
In a dream was denied at heavens gates
For wrong attire
Back on Earth its hard to connect
Difficult to recollect
My landing from the clouds was hard
Concussed my head and lashed my neck
I can’t begin to tell you
How I scold myself the most
For reaching for bright lights
For a pretty ghost
Become a naive host
Pour my heart out out
Watch them drink it after a toast
From behind black glasses
I looked love in the eye
Explained that I made no requests
And all it said was ‘denied’

Dead or Dead to Me

I remember you, shot you in the leg
But you shot at me first
One of your shells grazed my arm
But most knocked up dirt
I heard you bled out later
But I don’t know if it’s true
I guess I shouldn’t trip
Because I also heard you died with a needle in you

I remember you, most things I know now
Taint your reputation
Will never lose love for you
Just trust in most situations
A give and take relationship
Totally unbalanced
I give you all the weight
And watch if you can take the challenge